cant think of a title and in need of help

little boy watches as the truck drives by
ice cream jingle tunes echoed through his eyes
he jumps up and about as tears rolled down his cheeks
but the truck disappeared yet again as he threw his dime

little boy's momma said it was alright
sang him a song she did and he was all fine
why mama do they keep passing by?
do they not know that it saddens this little boy?

soon she said one will drop by
and u can have all the different kinds to try
don't forget that there's many of you out there?

he sits all day thinking what to do
then he realises that he's just a fool
run amok goes the little birds
that makes his day

momma fell down, disappeared yesterday
and he felt like the world was mocking him
so he sang that song he knew forever that day
all day through the night

he is keen that soon one will drop by
then he'll have all the different things to try
he remembers that there's many others out there

little boy watches as the truck drives by
ice cream jingle tunes echoed through his eyes
he jumps up and about as tears rolled down his cheeks
but the truck disappeared yet again as he threw his dime

cheers,
josh

i need a title cant think of a good one..i actually like this one..havent been doing as much writing as i used to..this cud be the new song...hmm tell me what u think guys

Hmmmm......."Truck Drives By" was the first thing that came to mind, but that's kinda silly. Titles suck, don't they?

I liked this song, though. "ice cream jingle tunes echoed through his eyes" was a good line. I always have a bit of trouble reading the rhythms of the words in your songs, but I imagine it would fit with music.

One part I didn't like:

"he sits all day thinking what to do
then he realises that he's just a fool"

'Fool' there just kinda bugs me. But hey, it's your song. :)

i agree with that fool line thingy but being the lazy prick i am i cant be stuffed changing it..happens to me all the time...either i get it down and record it within the same night or ill just end up forgetting abt it...ive also been on a musical down lately..im bored of my style and i realised that i shud work more on rythm timings..but my head hasnt been working again..it makes me angry but such is life

thanks anyway for the feedback bro

"Ice Dream"

I'm of old school that believes that a song should rhyme.
I like you idea, but I think you are having a little trouble writing in a song form.

Below are a few minutes of writing I did using your idea.
Your song, I believe, would be more suited in a country or even bluegrass style. You know a song that sort of tells a story.

I would be interested in what you think.
I also, would like to continue the thought and, with your permission, finish the song with more verses and music.


Ice Dream

The young boy stares as his dreams slowly pass by.
Tears roll down his face in a rippling stream.
Momma, the man doesn’t stop, he doesn’t even try.
Momma, make him stop, I want my ice dream.

The truck’s jingly tune echoes in a grown man’s mind.
Gone is the image of a mountain of frozen cream.
Gone are his dreams, lost and he never will find.
Frozen are his hopes, frozen in his ice dream.

interesting... go for it dude!

i used to make stuff that rhymes like that but i sorta got bored of it...along with my rythms...the one u made out of it was better written as it included better choice of words...my version was actually different from what i usually do...but im impulsive...i wud love to see you work on it more...thanks for the feedback!