earthman writes a story

Here's a story I wrote for an ELA project. I don't think it's very good; in fact, the only reason I'm posting this is because I promised Jolly I would. Anyhow, here it is.

[U]An Awkward Meeting on the Sidewalk[/U]

Montag plucked his eyes from the gnarled old oak on which they had been resting and began to walk faster. His worn leather messenger bag swung back and forth rhythmically with his steps. Every so often, Montag would thrust his body sideways in mid-step and listen to the explosion of pens, pencils, and notebooks inside his bag as his hip collided with it. It was about the only sound he could bear listening to anymore.

It was an uncharacteristically warm November afternoon, and the streets were as empty as the sky. It had been raining for the past three days, and the snow that had been on the ground had turned into a grey sludge which complimented Montag's mood perfectly.

He walked on, wearing the same expression on his face that he had been wearing for exactly six years. Little pools of water splashed at his feet as he walked, but all he could hear were her screams. He winced and tried to walk more quietly.

Montag soon found his gaze fixed back on the old oak tree. An almost-grin formed on his scruffy face upon the realization that it was closer than the last time. He side-stepped swiftly, and the contents of his bag once again exploded, this time in celebration.

Suddenly, Montag froze. He thought he had heard something. Cautiously, he turned his head to the side and closed his eyes in concentration.

There! Again! Montag heard the sound more clearly now, and he took a step back in fear. It was footsteps. He wasn't sure where they were coming from, but he assumed it was somewhere up ahead. Any minute now, the footsteps' creator would come into view and spot him. For a split second, Montag considered turning around and going back home, but he had come this far already and it needed to be done. He clenched his teeth and hesitantly continued on.

Montag had barely taken five steps when a figure rounded the corner up ahead and began walking towards him. Montag's heart began to beat very loudly, and each thud was another of her screams. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to drown them out, but he kept walking. There was little time left.

Footsteps, heartbeats, splashing water. The NOISE! Montag's head began to throb. He raised his hands to his ears and covered them as well as he could, attempting to block out the sounds of everyday life which no longer held anything for him. His heartbeats and headthrobs were only intensified by this, and now he felt them throughout his entire body. With his eyes still shut, he bagan to run, hopefully still in the right direction. His racing heart felt like it was going to explode at any minute....

And then it did. Montag's left shoulder was blown backwards. His bag flew to the ground, raining writing utensils on the sidewalk. Montag grimaced at the noise as he too fell to the ground.

"Ah, geez! You alright?"

Montag winced at the sound of the voice, but opened his eyes for a look anyway. Above him stood a gaunt middle-aged man with evil eyes.

"I'm sorry about that," the man said. "I guess I should watch where I'm going, huh?"

Montag flinched at each word the man spoke. Uneasily, he looked around at his notebooks, six years' worth, scattered endlessly around him.

"Here, let me help you with these," the man said. All Montag heard was was screaming. He sat up quickly and wondered how to react. He wanted to gather up his things and be on his way, but the man wouldn't allow that; he could tell from the way the man was looking at him. Montag glanced over at the tree. It was close enough. It didn't matter.

In a dry, whispery voice that was obviously not used very often, Montag said "No. That's okay." He grabbed two of his pens from the sidewalk and stuffed them into his ears with great force, puncturing his eardrums. Montag screamed, but all he heard was silence. Blood trickled down his ears, and Montag looked one last time at the oak tree under which she had died six years ago.

I said it when I read it the first time, and now I feel compelled to say it again.

"Neat."

Originally Posted by: acapella
"Neat."

/signed. :cool:

Nicely done!

Question: Why in the world would you suggest that this is 'not very good'? Oh, I disagree. Vehemently. It IS a good story. It does the one thing that seems to miss so many writers; it tells a story. I know, I know, that sounds a little strange but one thing that so many writers do is they try to amaze people with their erudite and scholarly gymnastics that they forget the primary focus which is to tell a story.

So you did what you set out to do which was to tell a story in a way that brings wonderful, if not down-right chilling, images to the reader.

Again I say, nicely done! :)

Haha! Thanks for reading, you guys.

Originally Posted by: hunter60Question: Why in the world would you suggest that this is 'not very good'?

Well, I don't think it's very subtle. I mean, I think I overemphasized everything a little bit. My first draft was too subtle; I didn't think it would be clear to anyone but me what was going on, so I had to throw in a bunch of blatant crap like "The NOISE!" and the repeated bringing up of Montag's uncomfortableness with sounds.

It's an alright story, I guess. It certainly isn't bothering me enough to rewrite.

Originally Posted by: earthman buckHaha! Thanks for reading, you guys.


Well, I don't think it's very subtle. I mean, I think I overemphasized everything a little bit. My first draft was too subtle; I didn't think it would be clear to anyone but me what was going on, so I had to throw in a bunch of blatant crap like "The NOISE!" and the repeated bringing up of Montag's uncomfortableness with sounds.

It's an alright story, I guess. It certainly isn't bothering me enough to rewrite.

Well, you're right. It's not subtle but then a story like this, in my opinion, is not supposed to be subtle. I don't know that much about writing or creativity for that matter but it has always seemed to me that the story will determine voice and subtlety. When you're dealing with powerful emotions, powerful writing moves the story. When you're dealing with subtle, almost submersed emotions, then the story is almost carried on a breeze.

Kinda like if you're story is set on a battlefield, the sights, sounds and smells are going to be huge and powerful and right in your face. When you're writing about leaning in tenatively for that nervous first kiss with a new lover, the emotions are light and fast and coursing through your heart and mind like staring into the sun....both very, very powerful. Both treated differently.

Or I could be full of it.

I still liked the story. Personally, I would like to see you finish this up. I want to know who she was. How did she die? How did it affect him?

I can't help it. I'm nosey. :)

Originally Posted by: hunter60 How did she die? How did it affect him?

I think he killed her...

But that's just my morbid way of looking at things..

Great story Brendon... although the puncturing of the ear drums made me cringe.. ha ha

The story is finished. I left a lot of it kinda open like that because I think stories should always leave a lot of the storyline up to the reader to decide.

Tonja -- When I wrote it, I kinda was thinking that he killed her too. But again, I didn't flat out say so because there's something to be said for accidental death or whatever. Montag could be crazy, sure, or maybe he's just overcome with grief. It works either way, I think.

And hunter -- What you were saying about subtlety in stories makes sense, but I was going for the opposite effect. I find things a lot more interesting if there's kind of a 'mixed emotions' element; as in a really dark story told in a cheerful manner, or in this case, a story in which the somewhat jarring climax is told nonchalantly. At least that's what I was trying to do. It just makes it so much more interesting to me personally.

i dont think that u overemphasized at all...i think its perfect....creative writing is a whole lot of fun...that story u wrote was awesomely trippy...

hmm i shud post some of my work sometime...ah well

I am so amazingly god damn tired right now, but I promise you I will read this either tomorrow (wednesday) or thursday.

first runthrough:

I like it, but the first thing I notice is that he can't pluck his eyes up from the old oak unless they've been torn from his head somehow. Like you I enjoy experimenting with new choices of words, but some just don't work.

I think a lot of these sentences are a little rough. Crude in a way, but not without potential given time. "It was footsteps" for example, could simply be "Footsteps." Or, more poetically, something like "scuffleshadowed stepping." Here's another: "Montag's heart began to beat very loudly, and each thud was another of her screams." Don't use a conjunction here, it's weighing you down. "Each thud another of her screams" works just fine.

"Montag spoke, his voice a drywhisper of flaking parchment." might be a nicer intro to that last paragraph.

Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollyson"Montag's heart began to beat very loudly, and each thud was another of her screams." Don't use a conjunction here, it's weighing you down. "Each thud another of her screams" works just fine.

Okay, you're absolutely right about that one.

Your other suggestions, while probably better linguistically, just don't seem to work for me. They strike me as very Jolly-ish lines, and as I'm sure you noticed, our writing styles aren't very similar at all. I chose the words I did because that's more or less how I'd tell the story if I was making it up off the top of my head. My style of writing is fairly close to my style of talking.

Anyhow, I'm glad you liked it. :)

Originally Posted by: earthman buckOkay, you're absolutely right about that one.

Your other suggestions, while probably better linguistically, just don't seem to work for me. They strike me as very Jolly-ish lines, and as I'm sure you noticed, our writing styles aren't very similar at all. I chose the words I did because that's more or less how I'd tell the story if I was making it up off the top of my head. My style of writing is fairly close to my style of talking.

Anyhow, I'm glad you liked it. :)

We do differ stylistically, so I tried to keep my suggestions closer to the style I felt I was reading.

(I still don't like "it was footsteps" haha, that line is driving me nuts.)

Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollyson(I still don't like "it was footsteps" haha, that line is driving me nuts.)

Hahaha. I know how that is. When I wrote it, I spent like 20 minutes pondering whether it made sense or not. Eventually I just figured 'Ah, what the hell, dare to be different' and here we are now.

Originally Posted by: earthman buckHahaha. I know how that is. When I wrote it, I spent like 20 minutes pondering whether it made sense or not. Eventually I just figured 'Ah, what the hell, dare to be different' and here we are now.

Nono, it makes sense, it's gramatically sound. "It was footsteps" is just too...I dunno. I think "Footsteps" would really improve it...that "It was" just sounds so clunky.