Untitled drivel

Here's a song I wrote last night....and changed just moments ago, due to it being awful. It's still quite lame, but it's the first song I've written in ages, so I'll take what I can get.

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It looks a bit like rain today
But no one's here to see the gray
They've left for home, their goodbyes spent
Their presence leaving just a dent

Apologies and a century
taped on the wall
History, finality
once and for all
Somewhere, a statue stares
out towards home
Somewhere, a statue's tear falls
Cold and alone

The streets are mute, the fire's dead
Mid-afternoon, the town is bled
The last few pack up what they brought
and leave their home to be forgot

Apologies and a century
taped on the wall
History, finality
once and for all
Somewhere, a statue stares
out towards home
Somewhere, a statue's tear falls
Cold and alone

Apologies and a century --
what's left to show?
History, finality
Cold and alone

Apologies and a century
taped on the wall
History, finality
once and for all

flows awesomely! good stuff...keep them coming man...kudos kudos.. :)

I would definately like to hear this with some accompaniment. Well written.

Well, lets see sir Brendon, there are some cliche lines... but not enough to bother anyone. Sometimes the best way to say something is with a cliche.
i.e. "It looks a bit like rain today"
You use that cliche line and then turn it around with your own perspective of it (in the rest of verse making it interesting).

Also, your subject choice is good. Its not blatantly obvious what its about (atleast to me, but not in a bad way) I think the best songs are the ones you can't really tell what they are about all the time (for example a lot of Nirvana songs (trying to use an example you would know).

I think you might want to change cold and alone if you can think of anything else... its kind of a weak word choice. You were asking me for desolate words, why not use the word desolate (but that might mess up the way the song is working out in your head, I don't know).

Good work, write more (and for saying that i'm a hypocrit).

Thanks for the comments, you guys. Looking back on those lyrics, I definitely like them more than I did when I posted them. They've grown on me.

And Holly- I definitely agree that a lot of it is pretty cliche. I also agree that sometimes a cliche is the best way to put something. That "cold and alone" line kinda irks me too, but I had put that line to the music before I even had the rest of the song written, so I figure it has earned its keep.

Pretty cool song. I like how I'm the only person here who's heard it.

Someday soon when no one's home I'll record it on tape. Then I'll buy a little cable to transfer it to my computer. Then I'll post it, so you can all hear my funny singing voice.

Originally Posted by: earthman buckSomeday soon when no one's home I'll record it on tape. Then I'll buy a little cable to transfer it to my computer. Then I'll post it, so you can all hear my funny singing voice.

I can only imagine you sounding like les claypool. :D