blues tutorial

I got this in the mail and thought it was pretty good:

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
by Lame Mango Washington
(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky,
revisions
by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you
stick
something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat
it.
Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with
the
meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh
500
pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in
a
ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an'
state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the

blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the

electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any
place
in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression.
Chicago,
St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You
cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with
male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also
got
a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So
is
the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down
cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting

liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow
can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot

sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog,
or
get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't
care.

lmao, yeah i read this before, right on!!!!!!!!

Sum mo blues meanings fo' ya

Barrelhouse-Pub/saloon mostly with live (barrelhouse) music. Also the name for the music style.

Barn door guitar-Primitive kind of a guitar. Some nails hammered into a wooden wall, connected with wire. No frets. No tuning pegs. Albert King learned playing this way. He played left-handed upside down, on his first guitar he removed the frets.

Black Cat Bone-Voodoo amulet for good luck (opposite of a black cat crossing your way)

Burnett, Chester-Same as Howlin' Wolf

Cat house-See sporting house

Chicken shack-Pub/saloon mostly visited by Afro-Americans. Often live music. Other words are juke joint, juke or jook.

Crescent City-Same as New Orleans

Crossroads-Not only two streets crossing, but also a point where you have to decide something important which might affect your destiny.

Gris-Gris-African amulet.

You can't live without, says the hoodoo man.

Hooch-Bootleged liquor

Hoochy Coochy Man-Voodoo preacher
John-The-Conqueror-Root- Voodoo amulet to keep your partner faithful

Juke joint-See chicken shack

King, Albert- a) Albert Nelson
b) the father of B.B. King
King, Riley Ben Same as B.B. (Blues Boy) King

Mojo-The paw of a rabbit. Voodoo amulet for good luck. Doesn't work always (keep my mojo working...)or a kind of spell a woman sends to the man she loves

Nelson, Albert-Same as Albert King

Sporting house- House for very special sporting (brothel)

Voodoo-Hoodoo, afr.: Wodun). Magic religion. Imported from Africa, religion of the slaves in the southern states.




[This message has been edited by jake sommers (edited 10-18-2000).]