sooo, basically its about this girl. before i start ranting on and on like a pre-pubescent boy, ill just lay you out some facts. i had dated a wonderful girl i loved very much for over 2 years, and i just broke up with her a few months ago. i broke it off finally after about 5 months of trickery and lifelesness. i have no regrets on pulling the plug; we're very different individuals and i needed to really think about where i am in life, and where i need to be going. its hard to be 18 and striving for your place in life with someone tugging in a different direction. i think thats just why high school sweethearts dont make it through those college years. but anyways, that was about a month and a half ago or so. ive been emotionally fine with all thats happened with that, totally. my problem lies with another girl ive known for years.
we started talking again after years of not seeing/speaking in about november-ish. i'd known her from middle school and oddly enough, we "dated" for a few weeks as far as i can remember. just kid stuff, obviously...but im sure ill label my present disconent as "kid stuff" when im 30.
i'd never met a girl like this. ever. like....my old girlfriend, we connected amazingly, but it was never a truly intellectual connection. we just never had conversations about philosophy, art, or music. i mean, it just wasnt who she was. and i accepted that. this girl, jana...she's like, everything that i had ever thought i would look for in the opposite sex. its just...wow, you cant describe that, you know? im pretty much just crazy about her. but sure, there's alot of problems with this.
we hang out allll the damn time. we watch movies and weird foreign cartoons until 5 in the morning, we talk for hours on her bed about anything and everything, we sit outside walmart on sunday afternoons to take pictures of obese patrons and funny-looking employees (yea, sounds mean...but you know you love to gawk at the 300 pound mammoths that parade around the parking lot too). we're even making plans to go down to the beach for the weekend to get drunk and kick it rowdy. i love all these things i share with her, but its still weird. like, we've never made a move onto one another. never. i mean...my old girlfriend, we hit it off, like that. first date...kiss. 3 months later...shacking it up 3x daily anywhere we could. i just like...i have these urges with this girl too, i just dont act on them. i dont know why. well, i do know why. im afraid to ruin what i have with her, which is an awesome friendship. our relationship with one another is somewhere between "friends" and an "item". i dont know how she see's me, though. i think we're on the same page...after all, we're on the same page with everything else. we practically share the same brain. but just that weird feeling of the fact that ive literally been lying next to her reading poetry and haven't even made a MOVE makes me think that its not what i think it is.
yo, i feel like im in middle school again.
im usually a really chill guy, and im very confident with how i look, where i am in life, and what i beleive in. this girl has made me question everything, without her even doubting me. like...lately, ive been so depressed over being so confused. i dont get it. i should be happy. im not. im miserable. in fact, (just a disclaimer: i am in NO WAY the 'crying guy' at parties. ever.) when i got home this morning after partying, i was so depressed she didnt call me that i nearly started crying. ive never been this into a girl, honestly. i usually could care less. nothing makes me feel better, either. i play guitar every day, but its so empty and like...meaningless when i do. shredding is beyond retarded to me right now; the only reason i pick it up is to play my crappy love ballads that i soak up my free time with, or to record little bits and peices of songs im working on in the studio.
and this is where i start feeling like i dont know who i am. no matter how many people i know, no matter how many friends i have, no matter how many messages i'll get from people i care about, i just focus sooo much around her that its becoming unbearable. i never took myself to be this kind of person...someone that obsesses. but i freak myself out with how badly im in over my head with this sh*t. its almost like, this is the first girl that im intimidated by. not just 'wow, this chick is gorgeous' its even more than that. its like 'wow, this chick is going to be more succesful than i will ever be' or 'wow, i dont deserve someone this smart' kindof thing. and its eaten away at me to the point where i feel like i dont matter. and ive honestly thought about killing myself. for NO ****ing reason. i know i have some kind of problem, no matter how normal i think i am. i dont think i have depression, but when i can honestly be outside on a friday afternoon with 2 weeks of complete freedom and a modest 20 hour per/week workload, and STILL be fighting back breaking down and freaking out, i can sense theres a problem.
could she know how crazy i get over this stuff? i mean, she's so calm and laid-back, its hard being the person that is erratic and unstable for a change. im waiting to make my move, but its so hard. i mean, even if i did, she's going up to state college at the end of the summer. yea, i plan on visiting her every chance i get; its only a 3 hour drive. but like, that seems so selfish of me to restrict her just like i felt i was being restricted. ive just never been so head-over-heels for someone and having them (possibly) not feel that way about me.
has anyone ever felt like this? i know its all too common; its pretty much the basis of 1/2 the love songs ever made. and i feel pathetic that after all i thought i was, i can barely sleep at night with this on my mind. im trying to play the friend card...im trying reallllly hard. its just like, after i get home from seeing her, i feel like whatever drug i was on just got taken away from me, and theres no guarantee i'll ever get it again. thats the only way i can describe it: like some kind of addiction. its driving me crazy. i feel so alone. and its even harder because although im glad i broke up with my ex, i miss that companionship so much more because of it. i miss sleeping with a girl i care about worse than anything right now. i would cut off my right arm to have this girl, and nothing in my life has ever tempted me to give up things that i love, namely guitar. but i feel like i would do anything to be happy like this.
i must have issues.
"the more you know, the less you know. I don't feel like i know shit anymore, but i love it."