I can't stop thinking about how much I seriously want to commit suicide right now. This life seems so pointless. I've been pretty much been getting by on the thought that this is all just a speed-bump. I won't be in college forever. I won't have to work at a crappy job forever. Like there is something left living for, like it all gets better after this. But now, it feels like life will always be this crappy. It doesn't get better. It will always be this stressful. I will always have problems.
Today I got my schedule for work next week. 18 hours. pitiful, I can't really maintain myself off that, since I'm spending $100 per week just for my car. This is the third week I've had terrible hours. Tonight at work was terrible. I was scheduled for closing shift, 3pm to midnight. There was supposed to be one other person helping me until 10, but he called in sick. I was the only one after 9 pm. I had to do all closing duties, including gathering all the garbages from the store, (we have a HUGE store, in case you didn't know, this isn't your 6-checkstand shop) restocking all the bags in the checkstands, cleaning the checkstands, etc. I also had to do cart duty which basically is just gathering all the carts from the parking lot. I had to do any perishable go-backs, things that need to be put back on the shelf immedietly, such as ice cream or milk. To top it off, some guy ran his electric cart into a stack of boxes containing wine bottles. Guess who had to clean up all that? There were at least 4 or 5 broken bottles. So, while I'm doing all this, my manager of the night, who normally is one of my favorite managers, makes me help some customers in the bakery, as if I didn't have enough on my hands. I had no clue what I was doing, I don't work in the bakery, I know nothing about it. I go to the back room, and I see my manager standing there, arms folded, talking to some people, laughing and whatnot. And it pissed me off to know that here I am, doing way too much work for one person to be assigned to, normally we would have 2 or 3 people to be doing that amount of work, and I see her standing there. A little earlier, I had paged her over the intercom, twice, she never came. A little later then that, someone else paged her, not once, not twice, not even three times, but four times, each a few minutes apart, asking for a manager override. The customer couldn't leave until they got the override. It must have been 10 or 15 minutes until someone else got there. A little later, I see her laughing and talking to some more people. Never once do I see her working. Anyway, A little later, someone else calls for an override, and she is standing only a few feet away, and continues talking to someone. I say something along the lines of "She needs an override, come on, you're standing right there!" in what could be interpreted as a rude voice. Well, not long later, I get a call to the office, we have a discussion in which I make my grievances known, and she gets a little pissed at me for it, something like "I'm still your manager, I don't have to answer to you. To you, maybe it doesn't look like I'm doing any work, but I have been." After this, she sends me home for the night. 45 minutes early, that really helps with me getting more hours now, doesn't it? Who knows, I may even be fired when I go in to work tomorrow.
School sucks, I've stayed up until 1:30 am doing homework for three nights in a row. Waking up at 8 am each day. In fact, yesterday, from the moment I woke up at 8 am, until the time I finished my homework at 1:30, I worked nonstop, I had no time for recreation, I didn't even get to play my guitar. It was a straight up 17 and a half hour work day for me.
I just want it to end. I can't think of a good thing to live for. If it's going to be like this for the rest of my life, then I don't want a "rest of my life." And does anybody even care? no. I could of some people that might care. Oh, no wait, I forgot, my best friend stole my girlfriend from me. Do I hate them both for it? Of course. But can I get through a single night without thinking about her? no. Does anybody care? Do some people on a guitar message board that I've never met before care? probably not.