Acoustic song


aschleman
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Joined: 04/26/05
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aschleman
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Joined: 04/26/05
Posts: 2,051
12/22/2005 7:42 pm
This is probably the wrong place to get a critique for this style of song... sicne I've been around long enough to know that the boards are mostly inhabited by non-conformists (which is a good thing) and metal heads (which is a very good thing). But in the last few months I've been helping my buddy with his album and we've mostly been laying down acoustic tracks... in a similar style to some of John Mayers not so mainstream stuff... like "Neon" "City Love" "Covered in Rain" etc... and this is a song I just ripped a melody for... its kind of in the style of John Mayer but more so Jason Mraz...

No Title

And the hands on the clock don't stop for you
and they don't stop for me...
Cameras can be decieving but the eyes...
They see what they see
And I see you...
And I see me...
And I see there's too much space in between...

*Chorus
But for now,
I gotta figure out somehow...
where all the pieces fit
and what it is
You want from this
I gotta find out
What you want from this
*acoustic and drum jam*

And all the pieces of the puzzle
don't pick themselves off the table
It takes somebody willing
Somebody thats able
To place them where they go
Because the pieces just don't know
*Chorus

*Breakdown/Bridge
And lately...
well you and me...
we've been spinning around this
trying to ignore what it is...
*Breakout
It's complicated!
and tell me how can I make you see it?
*acoustic jam*
*Chorus

Thats it... any feedback of the lyrics would be great. I just need some outside approval if this is too cliche or what... its suppose to be a bit cliche... because its more of an acoustic/pop song... but yeah.
# 1
magicninja
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magicninja
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12/22/2005 10:55 pm
Unless it really wrecks the flow of the song take out the "in" after "space" in the chorus and call the song The Space Between. Other than that it's pretty good. A little cliche, yeah, but what isn't these days?
Magicninja
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# 2
iamthe_eggman
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iamthe_eggman
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12/26/2005 4:00 am
Starting lines with "and" throw off your flow. There are probably too many "and"s throughout.
... and that's all I have to say about that.

[U]ALL[/U] generalizations are [U]WRONG[/U]

[/sarcasm]
# 3
nisa
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nisa
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12/26/2005 8:13 pm
cliche but beautiful. the repetition of "and" emphasizes the point. keep them.
# 4
aschleman
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aschleman
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12/27/2005 12:16 pm
thanks for all the feedback!

the ands are more "an" than "and" in the song... and the acoustic riff that i use with it has a little chord change by way of a hammer-on on the "and" so it doesn't really mess the flow up... but i can see where only having read the lyrics you could say that. thanks for the input though

any more feedback?? i think the biggest thing i'm looking at is content... i had a clear idea in my head but we all know how that can sometimes not work itself out between the head and the paper... sometimes it gets lost in translation.
# 5
guitarboy313
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guitarboy313
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01/08/2006 4:29 pm
It is alright exept I would add a couple more words to the chorus.
[FONT=Comic Sans MS]Everything is over rated except guitars drums basses and pianos.[/FONT]
# 6
ZOEYHOLLYWOODxx
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ZOEYHOLLYWOODxx
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01/19/2006 4:19 pm
[FONT=Arial]I liked it all over, cliches are okay every once in a while. A good song for quotes :) [/FONT]
# 7

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